whole foods salad bar

photo – from the appropriately titled post “the ultimate vegan paradise”

Zombies do exist and apparently they hang out at Whole Foods.

I am doing a cleanse where I have to take these crazy supplements and eat vegan for a week. No meat, no dairy, no white flour, no booze, no fun. Even though it is misery for a full seven days it will all be worth it to fit in a teeny tiny dress for my brother’s New York Fashion Week fashion show next Saturday.

The problem is that I really don’t know how to eat healthy, but I figured vegans hang out at Whole Foods, so we should just go there and hopefully learn something. What I learned has nothing to do with eating healthy and everything to do with the fact that old men really dig my new haircut.

My haircut has been the talk of my social circle since I look like a completely different person now that I have bangs. It has got to be the reason that not one, not two, but three men at Whole Foods were caught by my husband blatantly staring at me. There was one at the make-your-own-trail-mix bar, one in the produce section and one at the salad bar, all over fifty, all total creeper. Evan said that he was ready to go Woody Harrelson on them and start taking their heads off like the in the movie Zombieland.

So while, I was loading up on curry tofu, tabouleh and roasted vegetables at the hot bar, I was being oogled. Evan was the one who said it must be the hair. He went on to say, “It kind of looks like a wig, so maybe they think you’re a prostitute.” That got me thinking, is Whole Foods not just a place for organic veggies and over priced quinoa? Could it also be a place to pick up a hooker?

I may never understand what it means to be vegan.